1st Annual DPH Field Goal Contest RESULTS
The high stakes and drama of the 1st Annual DPHFGKC benefited from a perfect, complimentary setting as dense cumulonimbus lightening head clouds encircled the pristine manicured, brilliant emerald green field at Bishop Maginn High School. Mother Nature's earth rattling din, however, proved no foil to the thunder from the legs of our field goal kicking finalists.
To qualify as a finalist, it was necessary to endure a grueling tryout held on Saturday; where among other things, contestants learned to deal with swarms of gnats, hearty belly laughs at Mike F's expense, and a thorough shakedown to prove financial worth for entrance to this contest. Aside from assessing physical aptitude, the qualifying round allowed us to garner a deeper understanding of our dauntless contestants. For example, we realized maybe sexist stereotypes aren't always wrong, there's a reason Mike F was the offensive line, Mark E probably makes a good farmer, Ben Ho ate too many cow-pies, Matt T is more arrogant in real life, and John C is way older than he looks.
But no trial run could prepare our finalists for the pressure of the real thing and after digging deep into the seats of their cars for the $5 entry fee, they knew crunch time was here. When all entry fees were delivered to the secure front pocket of our escrow manager/videographer Chris S, the contest began in earnest.
Qualifiers
Mike F, The Ghost
Ben Ho
Mark Farmer
Erika S
Matt T
John C
Round 1: 20 Yard elimination
The premier round claimed 2 victims: the lovely Erika S and The Ghost, Mike F. 3 kicks each and nothing to show. After a minor directional correction--180 degrees to be exact--Erika was on target, but short distance. No amount of correction could help The Ghost who disappeared in a flash and provided no interview. Who can blame him?
Erika offered this assessment of her performance "I wish it was like Saturday...I mean I was money at 20 yards...I don't know what happened..." What happened, Erika, was pressure and a woman's deficiency in estimating length.
Round 2: 25 Yard elimination
The second round claimed 1 participant: Mark Farmer. Mark's kicking technique astonished all for its brilliant simplicity--stand next to the ball and swing your leg in a violent, freakish motion. "It works for tractor's that don't start on cold mornings or hogs that won't get out of your way..." said Mark.
Round 3: 30 Yard elimination
Ben Ho, Matt T, and John C advance to 35 yards.
Round 4: 35 Yard elimination
Eliminated: John C. Although 2 out of 3 of his 35 yard attempts were accurate, he failed to get enough...uhhhhhhhhh...lift. "It happens all the time and at the most inopportune moments..." griped John C. We can only offer our sympathy.
Round 4: 40 Yard elimination
Eliminated: Ben Ho, Matt T. The 1st Annual DPHFGKC has anti-climatically--yet somehow appropriately--ended in a draw. "I was on target but lacked distance..." whined Ben Ho while Matt T mused "I had the leg, but couldn't get it through..." No doubt, Matt T, no doubt. When asked about the result of the kicking contest, Ben Ho enthused "I'm satisfied..." and Matt T uttered a sullen "Not good..." Their in depth comments only serve to make palpable the stress, joy, and despair of this contest.
Later, after he could collect himself, Ben Ho offered more: "After the practice, I didn't think I would be around after the first few kicks.....a slight change in mechanics, thanks to John C's tip, and everything changed....it was great to be able to hang with Matt until the end....I only wish Mike F was around to see it...did he even take 3 kicks?...Was he even here?....I still think I should have hit the 40 yarder though...2 chances to eliminate Matt at the end, and I couldn't connect....I can't wait for the rematch"
There you have it! A call for a rematch and a call out to an opponent.
We hope everybody enjoyed the contest!
No proceeds were donated to charity because Matt and Ben took the money and ran.
To qualify as a finalist, it was necessary to endure a grueling tryout held on Saturday; where among other things, contestants learned to deal with swarms of gnats, hearty belly laughs at Mike F's expense, and a thorough shakedown to prove financial worth for entrance to this contest. Aside from assessing physical aptitude, the qualifying round allowed us to garner a deeper understanding of our dauntless contestants. For example, we realized maybe sexist stereotypes aren't always wrong, there's a reason Mike F was the offensive line, Mark E probably makes a good farmer, Ben Ho ate too many cow-pies, Matt T is more arrogant in real life, and John C is way older than he looks.
But no trial run could prepare our finalists for the pressure of the real thing and after digging deep into the seats of their cars for the $5 entry fee, they knew crunch time was here. When all entry fees were delivered to the secure front pocket of our escrow manager/videographer Chris S, the contest began in earnest.
Qualifiers
Mike F, The Ghost
Ben Ho
Mark Farmer
Erika S
Matt T
John C
Round 1: 20 Yard elimination
The premier round claimed 2 victims: the lovely Erika S and The Ghost, Mike F. 3 kicks each and nothing to show. After a minor directional correction--180 degrees to be exact--Erika was on target, but short distance. No amount of correction could help The Ghost who disappeared in a flash and provided no interview. Who can blame him?
Erika offered this assessment of her performance "I wish it was like Saturday...I mean I was money at 20 yards...I don't know what happened..." What happened, Erika, was pressure and a woman's deficiency in estimating length.
Round 2: 25 Yard elimination
The second round claimed 1 participant: Mark Farmer. Mark's kicking technique astonished all for its brilliant simplicity--stand next to the ball and swing your leg in a violent, freakish motion. "It works for tractor's that don't start on cold mornings or hogs that won't get out of your way..." said Mark.
Round 3: 30 Yard elimination
Ben Ho, Matt T, and John C advance to 35 yards.
Round 4: 35 Yard elimination
Eliminated: John C. Although 2 out of 3 of his 35 yard attempts were accurate, he failed to get enough...uhhhhhhhhh...lift. "It happens all the time and at the most inopportune moments..." griped John C. We can only offer our sympathy.
Round 4: 40 Yard elimination
Eliminated: Ben Ho, Matt T. The 1st Annual DPHFGKC has anti-climatically--yet somehow appropriately--ended in a draw. "I was on target but lacked distance..." whined Ben Ho while Matt T mused "I had the leg, but couldn't get it through..." No doubt, Matt T, no doubt. When asked about the result of the kicking contest, Ben Ho enthused "I'm satisfied..." and Matt T uttered a sullen "Not good..." Their in depth comments only serve to make palpable the stress, joy, and despair of this contest.
Later, after he could collect himself, Ben Ho offered more: "After the practice, I didn't think I would be around after the first few kicks.....a slight change in mechanics, thanks to John C's tip, and everything changed....it was great to be able to hang with Matt until the end....I only wish Mike F was around to see it...did he even take 3 kicks?...Was he even here?....I still think I should have hit the 40 yarder though...2 chances to eliminate Matt at the end, and I couldn't connect....I can't wait for the rematch"
There you have it! A call for a rematch and a call out to an opponent.
We hope everybody enjoyed the contest!
No proceeds were donated to charity because Matt and Ben took the money and ran.
BREAKING (11:47 PM, 8/11):
A new contestant has stepped forward to join the First Annual DPH Field Goal Contest. The admission of this contestant was permitted after a lengthy meeting by the rules committee who after hours of research and deliberation, discovered they had no rules. This inconvenience prompted the following stern statement: "OK, so we have no rules except we know we don't want to be embarrassed and football is a dude's game. Then we realized this was a place kicking contest...and them skinny twerps in the NFL don't play like dudes. Anyway, we do know we're not misogynists! We're still not sure what it means, but the last time we had that examination it really sucked." With leadership like that, it's easy to see why under their wise stewardship, this contest will quickly rise to an international level.
At any rate, the DPH Field Goal Contest Committee (DPHFGCC) welcomes their newest contestant, Erika S! Erika was unfazed and unsurprised by the 1960's style sexism and offered this whimsy: "I mean I expected it...after all isn't that when John C was in his prime?" Erika also believes she has the edge over her fellow contestants, "I'm not saying I could beat all the guys or even some of the guys. I just know I can beat these guys..especially after they point me in the right direction..." With such grit and determination, it's easy to say the smart money is on the lovely Erika S.
END BREAKING
Next Monday, 8/18, prior to the 6:00P Wildwood vs. DPH game at Fireman's Field, a small band of self styled DPH football wannabe's will travel to Bishop Maginn to engage in the first ever DPH field goal kicking contest! At present, our intrepid band of pathetic louts includes Mike F, Ben Ho, Matt T, John C and maybe Joe F and Pat S! The stakes are high and all proceeds are donated to any charity that directly benefits John C.
Participant Bio's:
Mike F: Was the offensive line for some irrelevant team when he was a kid. Recruited for this contest because he has the football. "I can kick it 40 yards, dead on..." says Mike who usually picks his target after the ball lands.
Ben Ho: Was the non-European place kicker for his podunk high school and offers this regarding his ability: "The toughest part was not slipping on the cow droppings..."
Matt T: Has no football background or ability whatsoever, but understands that grass is best planted green side up. Despite his lack of experience, he believes his chance to win is very good. "I never played, but if i did, I'm sure I would've been good..." enthused Matt.
Joe F: Mike F's undersized brother. Joe uses his speed, charm and wit to dart through mazes of wanting chicks. We waited for Joey to finish 23 cell phone calls for him to add this: "If I can work my way through them, I'm pretty sure I can kick a football!"
Pat S: We're not sure about much regarding Pat, except that he's kind of built like a small linebacker or a big kid. He also likes his chances. "Is this an Olympic Sport? If it is, I'm doing it!" beamed this true patriot.
John C: This former winner of the 1924 Punt, Pass and Kick contest has the best chance in his opinion. His only concerns are his health and his opponents. "Geez...I hope I don't rip my other peroneal tendon. When did footballs become brown and pointy?" You have to admire the heart of this warrior!
Small, unmarked donations are gleefully accepted by John C at any time before, during or after the contest.
